Sort of stuff my mum sends me.......

[toff]

Here is one in a series of bits, The sort of stuff my mum sends me, now shes discovered the interweb and e-mail:
This is actually quite good:

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

3. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. ......At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

8. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

12. I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ tow truck parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink ,and be Mary


And also....................

FromSubject: Fwd: 4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO

Found this information on my computer - might be of interest to you.


There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your
mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out
of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial
112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the
emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled
even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.
Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the
spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your
cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at
your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their
end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to
drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of
miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your
car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a
mobile phone!'

THIRD Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#
Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a
50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your
mobile next time.

FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on
your phone: * # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your
handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get
stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They
will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM
card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone
back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile
phones.

ATM - PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM
machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse. For
example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321. The ATM
system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you
placed in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you
requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately
dispatched to the location. This information was recently broadcast on CTV
by Crime Stoppers however it is seldom used because people just don't know
about it. Please pass this along to everyone.



This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on
to your family and friends


Regards
Alan
e-mail: [e-mail]


DENNIS AND CAROL
[e-mail]






.............And straight up -I'm not making this up, this is the sort of stuff she sends! How cool is she!!! ;D ;D ;D

[renard80]

Nice one! Clearly your mum is young at heart.

Now we know where you get it from . . . ;D

[supercuber173]

Has anyone heard of the ATM one work? I almost want to try it or ask the bank...

[SCC]

Aug 14, 2011 9:02:19 GMT 1 supercuber173 said:

Has anyone heard of the ATM one work? I almost want to try it or ask the bank...

Probably worth asking the bank, just in case it does work. ;D

[toff]

Some more.............................

Sent: Sunday, February 27, 2011 1:09 PM

Subject: How True is This - Scary




How true is this. Scary
At first I thought this was funny....Then I realised the awful truth of it.

Be sure to read all the way to the end!
Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
It’s time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline Fuel Tax
Airport Maintenance Tax
Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Goods and Services Tax (GST)
Death Tax
Driving Permit Tax
Environmental Tax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Income Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Petrol Tax (too much per litre)
Gross Receipts Tax
Health Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest Tax
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Mortgage Tax
Personal Income Tax
Property Tax
Poverty Tax
Prescription Drug Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Retail Sales Tax
Service Charge Tax
School Tax
Telephone Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Water Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

And Now they want a bloody Carbon Tax !

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was one of the
most prosperous in the world.. We had absolutely no national debt, had a
large middle class, and Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the "Hell" happened? Can you spell ’ lying parasite politicians wasting our money’ ?

And then, there are the bank charges !

I hope this goes around the UK at least 1000 times !!!

YOU can help it get there!!!! :-(

[pauliepilot]

Too true toff....tax tax tax piss take

[nightflyer]

Clever

[toff]

OH BRITAIN, where did we go wrong
We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless etc.,

Are you aware of the following?

The British Government provides the following financial assistance: -

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Weekly allowance £100
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Weekly allowance £250

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Weekly Spouse allowance £25
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Weekly Spouse allowance £225

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Additional weekly hardship allowance £0;00
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Additional weekly hardship allowance £100

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £6,000
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS / REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £29,900

Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can lobby for a decent aged pension.

After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.

Sad isn't it?

Most people won't bother to forward this.

I Just Did!


Before anyone jumps on the racism bandwagon, this has NOTHING to do with being racist. This is the truth of whats happening in the UK at the moment.
I have nothing against anyone of different creeds or colours, but the truth is that nearly all immigrants to this country are treated far, far better than the indiginous population, and is well documented.

[toff]

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Date: 2 December 2010 19:43
Subject: FW: CHECK YOUR RECEIPTS
To:















> CHECK YOUR RECEIPTS BEFORE LEAVING THE CHECK-OUT
>
> I bought a bunch of stuff, over £150, & I glanced at my receipt as the
> cashier was handing me the bags. I saw a cash-back of £40. I told her I
> didn't request a cash back & to delete it. She said I'd have to take the
> £40 because she couldn't delete it. I told Her to call a supervisor.
> Supervisor came & said I'd have to take it. I said NO! Taking the £40 would
> be a cash advance against my Credit card & I wasn't paying interest on a
> cash advance!!!!! If they couldn't delete it then they would have to delete
> the whole order. So the supervisor had the cashier delete the whole order &
> re-scan everything! The second time I looked at the electronic pad before I
> signed & a cash-back of £20 popped up. At that point I told the cashier &
> she deleted it. The total came out right. The cashier agreed that the
> Electronic Pad must be defective.
>
> Obviously the cashier knew the electronic pad was defective because she
> NEVER offered me the £40 at the beginning. Can you imagine how many people
> went through before me & at the end of her shift how much money she
> pocketed?
>
> Just to alert everyone. My co worker went to Milford , Sainsburys last
> week. She had her items rung up by the cashier. The cashier hurried her
> along and didn't give her a receipt. She asked the cashier for a receipt
> and the cashier was annoyed and gave it to her. My co worker didn't look at
> her receipt until later that night. The receipt showed that she asked for
> £20 cash back. SHE DID NOT ASK FOR CASH BACK!
>
> My co-worker called Sainsburys who investigated but could not see the
> cashier pocket the money. She then called her niece who works for the bank
> and her niece told her this. This is a new scam going on. The cashier will
> key in that you asked for cash back and then hand it to her friend who is
> the next person in the queue.
>
> Please, please, please check your receipts right away when using credit or
> debit cards!
> This is NOT limited to Sainsburys; they are one of the largest retailers so
> they have the most incidents.
> I am adding to this. My husband and I were in Sainsburys and paying with
> credit card when my husband went to sign the credit card signer he just
> happen to notice there was a £20 cash back added. He told the cashier that
> he did not ask nor want cash back and she said this machine has been
> messing up and she canceled it. We really didn't think anything of it until
> we read this email.
>
> I wonder how many "seniors" have been, or will be, "stung" by this one?
>
> To make matters worse ...THIS SCAM CAN BE DONE ANYWHERE, AT ANY RETAIL OR
> WHOLESALE LOCATION!!!
>
> BEFORE LEAVING THE CHECK-OUT........CHECK YOUR RECEIPT!!!!!
>
> THIS COULD HAPPEN ANYWHERE. CHECK YOUR RECEIPT BEFORE LEAVING THE STAND.
> I'VE SEEN PEOPLE DO JUST THAT. NOW I'LL START!
> PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, KIDS, LOVED ONES.

[pauliepilot]

Thanks toff the last two posts have cheered me rite up >:-(
Ur first post really pee's me off like u say i have nothink against these ppl but why give them so much money?
So bloody soft....its all about being pc,surely theres line ov not in england.
Maybe i'll leave n come back as a imagrant!!!!

[renard80]

Hi Toff

Sorry to disappoint you, but your post about "cash back" has been going round the internet all over the world for about SEVEN YEARS - and it's NOT TRUE! It's a hoax email.

Some people claim it happened in WalMart in the U.S., others that it was in Sainsbury's, UK.

Either way, apparently it is IMPOSSIBLE for a cashier to do this!

You can get the facts by looking here:

www.snopes.com/fraud/atm/cashback.asp

So you can tell your dear old mum that she needn't worry! ;D

[toff]

Subject: FW: SEND A POPPY PLEASE DON'T BREAK IT



As at this weekend, 368 BRITISH SOLDIERS HAVE LOST THEIR LIVES IN AFGHANISTAN, SINCE 2001




Let's not forget that FREEDOM is not free…. Please forward to at least one person!


Thinking of all the British Soldiers
A Prayer chain for our
Military... Don't break it! Send this on after a short prayer for our soldiers
Please Don't break it! GOD BLESS YOU FOR PASSING IT ON!



THE FINAL INSPECTION

The soldier stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you ?
Have you always turned the other cheek ?
To My Church have you been true?'

The soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.

But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.

If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.

There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.

'Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well..
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell.'

Author Unknown~

It's the Military, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the Press. It's the Military, not the poet who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Military, not the politicians that ensures our right to Life, Liberty , and the pursuit of Happiness. It's the Military, that salutes the flag, that serves beneath it, who's coffins are draped by it.





If you care to offer the smallest token of recognition and appreciation for the Military, please - pass this on! And pray for our men and women who have served and are currently serving our country and pray for those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for freedom.

[toff]

Subject: How Much Water or Coke Do You Drink Each Day?







I could not believe this..... Very interesting






WATER

#1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half the world population)


#2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak
that it is mistaken for hunger.


#3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.


#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs
for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of
Washington study.


#5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.


#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain
for up to 80% of sufferers.


#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term
memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on
the computer screen or on a printed page.


#8.. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of
colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast
cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop
bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water
you should drink every day?



COKE

#1. In many states the highway patrol carries
two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from
the highway after a car accident.


#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke
and it will be gone in two days.

#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous China.


#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds
Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.


#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble
away the corrosion.


#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola
to the rusted bolt for several minutes.


#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix
with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.


#8... To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke
into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen
grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your
windshield.


FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

#1the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric
acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the
commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean
engines of the trucks for about 20 years!


Now the question is, would you like a glass of water?




or Coke?

Quick! Send this helpful
info on to your friends -- those who are health conscious or not!!!!

[pauliepilot]

Wow :-)

[john66]

Nov 11, 2011 21:15:05 GMT 1 toff said:

I could not believe this..... Very interesting



#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke
and it will be gone in two days.

Dont believe it, its BS........